For parents, there is constant pressure to do things right. There are endless measurements of success, such as getting your child to sleep through the night, weaning off pacifiers and potty training by a certain age to name just a few.
Eventually these small milestones fade away and the more ambiguous, uncharted parts of parenthood emerge. Are children learning to be compassionate? Are they courteous? Are we raising children that other people will want to be around? It seems close to impossible to not feel pressure to “get it right,” especially when little eyes are intently watching your every gesture. This is particularly salient when children are on display in front of friends and family and therefore on their absolutely worst behavior.
Inevitably this leads caretakers to assume that they have been doing a terrible job and begin to reevaluate their role as parents. However, Alfie Kohn, author of the book Unconditional Parenting, points out that parents often need to reconsider their requests. For example, children can feel insecure and overwhelmed when presented with a chaotic and unpredictable schedule. While parents can try to prepare children for these less than ideal moments (i.e. let children make small choices throughout the day, carry more comfortable clothes, pack a bag of snacks), it is essentially an opportunity to show children how to work with frustration. It is not a novel idea that children learn through mimicry (Bandura, 1971), but rather than just modeling, parents can identify with their kids by realizing that the same pressure they feel to produce grateful, gracious representations of their parenting is probably similar to the pressure children feel to perform.
Part of this journey may also relate to coming to terms with one’s own imperfections. Is it even healthy to predict and provide for every need? Donald Winnicott was a leading object-relations theorist who developed the notion of the “good-enough mother.” “The good-enough mother…starts off with an almost complete adaptation to her infant’s needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually, according to the infant’s growing ability to deal with her failure” (Winnicott, 1953). Winnicott believes that parents should gradually separate from their child, thereby promoting independence and autonomy. This is accompanied by the inevitable disappointment that children feel when their parents are not there for them, but Winnicott promotes that this is a necessary and empowering developmental stage. With that being said, it is a valuable lesson for children to see their parents falter and fall short. The best example to demonstrate this is to be generous with yourself when it comes to your shortcomings and show your children how to gracefully recover in light of less than ideal circumstances. Now that sounds like a New Years resolution.
by Sarah Foroosh, M.S.
Clinical Supervisor Kenneth Scott, PsyD; PSY 18087
Bandura, A. (1971). Psychological modeling: conflicting theories. Chicago: Aldine·Atherton
Kohn, Alfie. Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason (Atria Books, 2005)
Winnicott, D. (1953). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena, International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 34:89-97
